chinese boss theatre

[after a long speech in Japanese]
Mrs. Kawasaki: He want you to turn and look in camera. Okay?
Bob: Is that all he said?
-Lost in Translation

Ah, meetings. Tedious in every language but hilarious in two.

Managers are not selected for their speaking capabilities. Nor, I have noticed, are keen analytical skills usually what separate the managers from the managed. I have never met a manager who could keep meetings from being time-wasting, dull, perfunctory affairs.

Meetings are usually a group affirmation of the obvious. The boss says to do a good job and then reminds everybody that they already know what their job is. Then the whole company is related back to the foundations of this or that cultural philosophy.

Then the employees, thus enlightened, are allowed to go back to work.

Meetings are there to remind you, there are worse things than your job. Like meetings.

Our meeting was conducted in Chinese and English with Shirley moving the words between languages. Both sides needed a bit of editing in the trip from one culture to another.

Laoban: [Extended metaphor about how your boss is like an umbrella that should only be taken out when it rains, and it's better than other umbrellas so you shouldn't sell it to buy a pancake. Reminder about the ancient Chinese saying that you shouldn't climb trees to catch fish.]
Shirley: What he means is loyalty is good.

I've been in meetings with our boss before. He's fond of alarming metaphors mixed in with football coach exhortations as well straight dull recitation of the obvious. "We're here to teach English, and if you do a good job, every one will be happy."

Today he had a misfire while he was shooting off his glittering generalities. He managed to thoroughly alarm the staff when, in retrospect it appears he wasn't even talking about anything at all.

Shirley: He says that you should think about the children if you want to take days off. You should take days off when you don't have class.
Jessie: [annoyed] when is that?
Laoban: [looks really surprised and then names off the major holidays]
Me: [interrupting] don't we usually have to work on those?

Actually, we usually get some time off for holidays, but frequently Chinese parents want to send Little Flower to intensive English courses over the long holidays.

Then it was our turn to give them the Lost in Translation moment. The foreigners then had a very frantic looking discussion wherein it was revealed that indeed we did not come here because of our passion for teaching English to small children. The kids are sweet, but uhh . . .

Shirley: You want me to tell him that?
Foreigners: no.
Elizabeth: We want to have days off when family and friends come to visit.
Shirley: [They want to have days off when family and friends come to visit.]
Laoban: [Oh. Okay.]
Shirley: He says that's okay.

And of course he wouldn't be our boss without a massive dose of personal awkwardness.

Laoban: [shenma shenma Otis neige neige Elizabeth neige]
Everyone Who Speaks Chinese: [gets an embarrassed expression and looks apologetically at me]
Shirley: He said everyone has responsibilities. Like, Otis if you and Elizabeth get married, you will have the husband responsibilities.

Note: obviously a lot of guessing and outright making things up went into what I said was being said in Chinese.