advice for the socially awkward

I see that some of you out there still have a hard time meeting the minimal standards of social interaction. Here I am, helpful as always, to direct your gazes up from your feet, to shape the sounds in your mouth into words and to advise on the picking of those words so as to cause minimal alarm amongst your peers.

*Starting with hello or some simple greeting can work wonders. Yes, people do love jokes and observations about the general environment. It's just best to acknowledge their presence in the room first. Otherwise it seems like you are only talking to or for yourself.

*Eye contact! Remember to look at people, but not too much. A good rule is look at them when you they are talking or when you are talking to them. Otherwise you are free to stare off into the distance, as is your wont. Blinking is a good idea, too. You have to make it seem random in order for it to work, though.

*Try to avoid the impression that you are gnawing on your own shoulder. The finger should be removed from the nose as well. Especially while you are talking.

*Fun as is it is to take off your shirt and jump on the couch, there are really only a very few occasions where it is appropriate to do so. Consider for a goodly amount of time before acting upon Andrew WK type impulses.

*Try not to be overly sensitive, especially over the plight of absent minority groups. Sensitivity to the opinions of others about yourself can be a big handicap as well, though that can also keep your clothes on in crucial moments. If you are accused of being overly sensitive, it is probably not a good idea to get really offended. The abuse follows from such an episode would be both inevitable and deserved.

*Crying is bad. Try not to do it, especially in front of acquaintances or strangers. Even amongst friends you should try to save it for when you are actually bleeding. Tears of joy have a limited scope in a social milieu as well. Tears on account of anniversaries or graduation are acceptable. Tears stemming from religious ecstasy and the release of a Johnny Depp movie are not.

* Remember that people treat people they know differently than people they don't. You should too. Try waiting a while before revealing embarrassing or emotional childhood stories or deviant sexual preferences. Better yet, try not to have emotional childhood stories or deviant sexual preferences.

*Since you have a hard time conversing with people try and develop a conversational hook to remember you by. Something unusual yet harmless, "he's the guy who's seen Ringu, but not The Ring" or "she doesn't like Radiohead." Hooks should not involve ping pong balls, draconian dietary practices, religious beliefs nor children of any variety.

*If you have a stupid name, change it. People are more inclined to dislike other people if it sounds like they were named after a My Little Pony. If you have a normal but spell it oddly, don't make a big deal out of it. People will either not care or hate you. The chances are also very good that they will point out that you are not really any different from any other "Zack" for having spelled it with an X.

*Try not to be or be like any one who was in Scream.