gettin on "tiptoes"

We watch an awful lot of bad movies here. Most movies that persist in China are slightly bad. This is understandable. I'm sure I don't get nuance when it comes to Chinese films, and I expect that the Cohen brothers are totally lost on the Chinese.

Most bad movies made these days are, if not self-conscious, at least cogniscient that they are making crap. I, for one, don't really see this a great excuse. I've never defended a film by saying, "it's bad, but it knows it's bad." Frankly most films that are too knowing in their badness are lazy, cynical and insulting. Any jackass can not make a good movie.

But there is the rare bad film, prized by collectors, that has no idea. For me those films are an education in filmmaking and, a bit, about psychology.

Tiptoes is surely the least self conscious bad movie I have seen in a while. Its foolishness is instructive. It is chalk full of mistakes, bad ideas, good ideas gone awry and both global and local miscalculations.

We'll start with the global miscalculations. This is a movie about midgets. Only they are dwarves. Or little people. They have dwarfism, and midget is no go. So it's either dwarf or little people. No giggling!

The makers of this film wished for you to utter a sentence at the end, "wow. You know I never realized it but little people are people too."

Let's think about what kind of people are going to be watching this film. First, there are midgets themselves. That is probably not a big demographic, and presumably one not in need of being reminded of their own humanity. Another possibility is that people watching this film hate and fear midgets. But construed as a rhetoric device aimed at reforming midget haters, Tiptoes must surely Fail. Midget haters, convinced at the inhumanity of their tiny victims, will not allow their consciousness to be raised, certainly not by Gary Oldman wobbling around on his knees. That’s even if they can manage to shamble out of their hovels, and then forgo a Steven Seagal movie in favor of Tiptoes.

So that leaves that big ol demographic that might consider watching Tiptoes: normal people who haven't read this weblog yet. These people, I notice, tend to have no special feelings against midgets, but they are immature. They giggle.

This movie casts it's narrowed eyes at this large demographic with a look of stern reproach, like that of an angry teacher or a PMSing sensitivity counselor. It suspects that you may giggle at lines like "When were you going to tell me that your family was full of midgets?" and "have you ever engaged in sexual intercourse with a . . . . little person." Don't laugh. That's not funny. These are their lives!

Tiptoes also wants you to not snort with incredulity when a character utters the line "a little people circle jerk? I'd like to see that." Perhaps, you think to yourself, I am an evil and bigoted person because, unlike Kate Beckinsale, I do not wish to see a group of dwarves jerking off. Then you realize that Tiptoes is wrong and that, thanks to Tiptoes, you have seen enough little people sex.

Tiptoes is angry, angry with you for giggling. Tiptoes is going to make you sorry. Tiptoes wants you to go to counseling.

Tiptoes is really fucking annoying.

People who will be seeing this movie are immature, giggly and occasionally perverted. But they are good, kindhearted people. They understand that midgets are people too. Very short people of course, but people nonetheless. People with big heads and weird vienna sausage fingers but big, gigantic hearts that sometimes lead to serious medical complications.

These people watching Tiptoes know that it's bad to laugh at midgets. But, much like dwarfism, it's a condition they're born with. They're good people. Tiptoes does not need to treat them like this.

Leave them alone, Tiptoes.