How to Be A Good Customer By Not Being A Complete Jackass
1. Take your time and get your damn order right. We understand that you make mistakes and we are sure that you are a very nice person, but really that doesn't make us want to kill you any less when we find out that your sugary complicated drink was, in fact, a completely different sugary complicated drink.
2. Being friendly is okay, but please accept the fact that there are other customers behind you and that we are supposed to serve them as well. Now is not the time to try to impress the girl behind the counter by reciting your homeric life history to her. (Trust me she's not that easily impressed).
3. Keep an eye on your children, and for god's sake don't give them a scone. Children don't eat scones. They just tear them up into little pieces of carbohydrate confetti and throw them selves a little ticker tape parade. Then we have to clean it up and fantasize about imposing some sort of maoist one child policy on the country.
4. You know that joke you were going to tell us about how the tall is a small and how wacky that is? Yeah. We've heard it. Here's your coffee Mr. Seinfeld.
5. Similarly, asking if we have any coffee is not funny. We hate pretending that it is. Don't make us. (Except for the time when some joker asked me this and my store had acutally ran out of coffee, that was glorius).
6. Try not to order anything that violates known physical or logical laws. Asking us to put ice in your hot tea before it is done steeping will leave you with some water with a tea bag floating in it. That's not my fault. That's just the way chemistry works. And asking for a no foam cappucino is an act of unforgiveable stupidity. We can't really respect you afterwords.
7. See that thing behind us? That's a menu. It works just like a restaurant menu. It tells you what things are and how much they cost. Use it.
8. Regular is not a size. Regular means not decaf here. Small, medium or large work quite alright if you feel silly saying tall, grande or venti. I understand.
9. Attention: Dirty Old Men. In all of my long years at Starbucks of met precisely one cute barista girl who was prone to sleeping with dirty old man customers. I don't know what the odds are of you finding her but they can't be good.
10. Why are you leaving litter on our condiment bar, on our drink hand-off area and on our bathroom floor? Is it too much trouble to just spit on us?
starbucks
2. Being friendly is okay, but please accept the fact that there are other customers behind you and that we are supposed to serve them as well. Now is not the time to try to impress the girl behind the counter by reciting your homeric life history to her. (Trust me she's not that easily impressed).
3. Keep an eye on your children, and for god's sake don't give them a scone. Children don't eat scones. They just tear them up into little pieces of carbohydrate confetti and throw them selves a little ticker tape parade. Then we have to clean it up and fantasize about imposing some sort of maoist one child policy on the country.
4. You know that joke you were going to tell us about how the tall is a small and how wacky that is? Yeah. We've heard it. Here's your coffee Mr. Seinfeld.
5. Similarly, asking if we have any coffee is not funny. We hate pretending that it is. Don't make us. (Except for the time when some joker asked me this and my store had acutally ran out of coffee, that was glorius).
6. Try not to order anything that violates known physical or logical laws. Asking us to put ice in your hot tea before it is done steeping will leave you with some water with a tea bag floating in it. That's not my fault. That's just the way chemistry works. And asking for a no foam cappucino is an act of unforgiveable stupidity. We can't really respect you afterwords.
7. See that thing behind us? That's a menu. It works just like a restaurant menu. It tells you what things are and how much they cost. Use it.
8. Regular is not a size. Regular means not decaf here. Small, medium or large work quite alright if you feel silly saying tall, grande or venti. I understand.
9. Attention: Dirty Old Men. In all of my long years at Starbucks of met precisely one cute barista girl who was prone to sleeping with dirty old man customers. I don't know what the odds are of you finding her but they can't be good.
10. Why are you leaving litter on our condiment bar, on our drink hand-off area and on our bathroom floor? Is it too much trouble to just spit on us?
starbucks
posted by otis @ 9:54 PM
3 Comments:
At 12:03 AM ,
Anonymous said...
You are my hero...never heard it said better!
At 12:53 AM ,
Anonymous said...
HAhaaa... HILARIOUS! omg... i hope that day you closed (the safe catching fire) never happens to me... But if it does, I will definitely post a note to the openers much like the one you've written... also... loved 3, 4 and 6 on your how to be a good customer. the tea bag floating in water is classic. =)
At 12:39 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Thank you for this. I will be printing in and putting it up in my store for the partners to read. The whole regular size thing really touched my heart. I mean... seriously... do they REALLY thing we know what size they are talking about? Then, when you as them "tall, grande, or venti?" they get pissy with you. This is perfect! Thanks again.
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