Well, basically, lately, my life is flipped. Since the beginning of 2010, I’ve made at least one huge drastic change in my life, in that I moved out of my house that I had been sharing with my wife and into a house that I’m now sharing with my brother.
It was a tough choice, but I think I’ve been wanting to leave for a long time. Instead of leaving, I’ve been fatalistically recommitting. Getting deeper into it as if making it more difficult to leave would make it more likely to succeed. This behavior was leading into a life that was designed with only one way out, death. So instead of dying, I left it through the side door.
Don’t get me wrong, please. I love her, and I want her to be happy. I even want to make her happy. But, that desire is no longer the overriding guide to how my life will be designed. I want to be happy too, someday. And i want to be able to take a job in Seattle, or Sacramento, or Montreal, or on a bloody ship. Maybe it sounds selfish and typical, the not wanting to be tied down thing. Well it is, and I’m okay with that. But what I’m giving myself the most is the opportunity to choose again. I may choose the same life as before. Right now, I don’t think so. And that life may not wait for me, and hope, actually, that it doesn’t. This is time to renegotiate with the universe, the terms of my contract with it. I intend to stay in it, but we’re gonna come up with a different deal. I spent no time negotiating before, and that has been a source of regret. There was a time in my adolescence when I could and would say that I had no regrets. Sometime since then, it stopped being true. I hope for a point later when it can be said once again. Life is not static.
Since leaving, people have been offering their condolences and advice. I’ve been listening to them carefully. But I’m afraid some of them don’t get it. I didn’t want to stay, and actually have felt less depressed than I can remember. I’m not drinking as much alcohol. I feel more open with people I know, and I think that some of our closest mutual friends aren’t surprised, and may agree that this is for the best.
I only just moved out on Friday. I actually have more of my things to collect from the house. My negotiation with the universe will continue. My heart could change. Anything could happen. That’s the point.
Wife, I do love you dearly. I’m sorry this hurts you. That’s the thing that makes it hard.